You're doing better than you think! It is time to invest in yourself!
[Estimated reading time: 4 minutes, 57 seconds.]
Let’s talk about always feeling like you’re coming up short for others, which is likely false.
Some examples I hear frequently at Go Long:
You vacillate between feeling anxious and depressed, and worry it is impacting your relationships personally and professionally.
You’re looking at social media and thinking you’re not skinny enough, healthy enough or hot enough.
You haven’t returned your mother’s call to help with her iPhone.
How your body reacts?
In response to stress, your body releases adrenaline and other stress hormones, like cortisol.
Overexposure to those can lead to an increase in fat storage, having the opposite effect most of us want, if we are trying to get healthier.
More cortisol sends your body into fight-or-flight mode. If you’re running from a bear or fighting off a bear, as in the recent movie “Cocaine Bear”, that’s cool.
“Cocaine Bear” (circa 2023). Credit: Universal Pictures
But it’s not a way to live your life. Not only are you moody and likely to lash out (and then feel even worse), your nervous system never gets a chance to recharge. This impacts your sleep and so on.
After awhile, your effectiveness diminishes when you do too much. This increases the risk of disease or injury.
Do you recharge your phone every night?
Recharging your body, like recharging your phone, is not a luxury. It is a must-have!
Studies show feelings of guilt increase if our actions affect others. They also show you feel less guilty if you’re the only one impacted by your choices.
This is why taking care of yourself generally gets de-prioritized.
It’s a zero sum game. When taking care of yourself, you’re neglecting another aspect of your life. The “guilt monster” rears its head. You abandon your own needs. It continues in a negative reinforcement cycle.
How has this helped your health so far?
It adds up. The social and emotional impacts of guilt lead to problems with sleep, digestion, etc.
That’s where self-care comes in. Doing activities that bring YOU complete joy and satisfaction lower your stress levels and help you refill your tank.
Are you one of those people who wants to invest more time in yourself but are unsure how to go about it?
This isn’t about losing weight. It’s about feeling confident and not feeling so defeated going from one activity to the next.
As I have said before, this is the same as the airplane safety announcement:
“Please put your mask on before helping others.”
This applies to your family, friends, and work colleagues (particularly people who work for you). If you take a little bit of time to take care of yourself, you will have more in the tank to take care of others. How so?
Your body, which includes your brain, will be more rested. This leads to more energy, better decision making and less of your stress hormones making an unwanted appearance.
If you’re struggling with this concept, try something new.
Formally give yourself the permission to do something purely for yourself daily.
You could think about this as setting an example for those in your life. When they get to the same point, you can show them how to reframe their guilt into something constructive because you’ve done it.
Avoid the comparison game
We all want to be the best partner…. parent…. friend…. colleague. But setting impossible-to-reach goals is a recipe for failure. And guilt.
Social media can add fuel to those feelings of guilt, until a bonfire is raging.
Your co-worker is an executive at some hot tech company and never misses a dance competition. (Why can’t I manage to make it to parent/teacher night once a year?)
The mother of my friend’s kid works out daily and makes a healthy meal for her kids every night. (When’s the last time I went to the gym?)
Your sister-in-law’s house is always perfectly neat and organized, plus she and her husband have a standing weekly date night. (What’s a date, again?)
You never know the full story. Everyone self-selects what they put on social media.
Stop trying to keep up with the Jones’. It doesn’t serve you at all. You’re not perfect. No one is.
How about reframing things?
A subscriber talked about failing her kids because she took them to an amusement park during the week and money was tight.
When I asked why, she said because the kids’ friends all go with their parents on the weekends. The kids wanted to be with their friends.
I didn’t grow up in an affluent household. I’m sure my parents cut a lot of corners while giving us fun experiences. I gave her some examples of similar times for me growing up. I don’t remember the specifics around cutting corners.
I DO remember the laughs and absurdity of some of the situations we encountered. We saw plenty. And laughed a lot. Ask me sometime.
Like the many times all 5 of us piled in the Malibu Classic station wagon and drove from New York to Florida to visit relatives. Obviously we were friends with families who did that same trip by plane. But we didn’t.
“National Lampoon’s Vacation” (circa 1983). IYKYK. Credit: Warner Brothers.
When I regaled that story, she smiled and her body language changed. She realized 20 years from now, her kids won’t remember. 40 years later - I’m still laughing at these stories.
Bringing it home
For most people, guilt is natural. You don’t need to suffer because you think everyone else is killing it at life. I have a good friend who always says “I’m doing my best.” Chances are, you’re doing yours too. Sometimes it isn’t where you’d like it to be. But no one is going to notice other than you.
Need help figuring out where to start?
Go Long can help.
Get in touch here.
PS - If talking to a close friend or family member hasn’t helped with depression or anxiety, please consider talking to a licensed therapist or healthcare provider. Lots of factors can be at play, particularly if you are postpartum or entering perimenopause, which can start in your late 30s.
You can start with hormone fluctuations related to menopause in your late 30s. These changes can impact your moods and mental health.