My parents visited. Many laughs happened. But more concern for the future.
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When the parents invade come to town
Speaking of which, let’s talk about parents. I am fortunate to have both of mine around in their mid to late 70s. While both have health issues, the fact they were able to come cross-country to visit is something I am very thankful for.
We did some activities like driving over to Whidbey Island to have local Penn Cove mussels, heading over to Mount Rainier to catch the end of the wildflowers being in bloom as well as have many laughs with some of our friends here at the house.
Mom, Dad and I at the Sunrise Visitor Center on Mount Rainier
But I also worry about them as they get older. Given they live on the other side of the country, I don’t get to see them too often. We started weekly video chats during COVID and have mostly kept up with them. Those calls have lots of laughs and we have an assorted cast of characters join ranging from my cousin to a couple we are very close with to my sister’s family, on occasion.
Those calls give me some insight into what’s going on - emphasis on the word ‘some’. Because I do not see them frequently, the changes I do notice when I am with them in person are very noticeable. I’ll mention something to my sister and she’ll act as if it’s old news to her because it is. She sees them regularly.
Let’s hear it for the Go-Go’s
The hubs and I were on vacation for his 50th birthday pre-COVID and we learned a new saying:
Go-Go 60s
Slow-Go 70s
No-Go 80s
No, we’re not talking about musical decades or the legendary rock band. Obviously if we were, the 80s would rule!
What we were talking about was about how you spend your decades of retirement, depending on when you retire. And when you think about it, it makes sense.
The gist is you will have the money and, more importantly, the physical mobility in your 60s.
In your 70s, you’ll still have the money, but the mobility becomes more of a wild card. You may be able to travel all over throughout the decade. Or you may not travel internationally anymore. Or travel may be for some of that decade. My parents are definitely trending in the ‘slow-go to no-go’ direction, which lines up with the above saying.
In your 80s, you still could be healthy and have plenty of funds. Yet travel may be too arduous to undertake unless you have help (i.e., traveling with your family).
In fact, most financial planners will tell you you’re likely going to spend more in your 60s on non-healthcare expenses than you will in your 70s, 80s and beyond.
Are you one of those people who wants to invest more time in yourself but are unsure how to go about it?
What happens when shit gets real?
But I’m also thinking about what happens if a negative event occurs and your loved ones can’t be independent anymore. What does that even look like?
How would I be able to find quality, reliable and affordable care for my parents?
What are the different types of assisted living?
Where are those places? They certainly want to be near their grandchildren for starters. And their friends - I’m lucky my parents still have lots of their friends, which is very good for mental health.
How does Medicare work? Do they have to use all their savings?
Can a place be found where they can be as happy as possible, even though they’re not living independently?
How do I support this from across the country and help my sister? She is local and would likely have the brunt of responsibility due to her proximity to my parents.
Understanding the mechanics of Medicare can be overwhelming. I know of no one who proactively reads about this to understand how it works in the event of something bad happening. And when you do need to understand it, it’s generally under duress.
And then there’s the elder abuse piece. You read some horrible stories in the news and that scares the shit out of me. My family jokes I am immune to guilt because I grew up with a Jewish mother (I’m non-practicing now, but was Bat Mitzvah’ed, etc.). But the guilt I would feel if that happened to my parents would be crushing.
Finally you have the questions you don’t know to ask and wished you would have known to ask before making such a major decision.
I know this topic has come up with some of my friends. A lot of it is someone saying “so and so went through that, you should talk to them, blah, blah.” That’s helpful, but I am thinking of doing something else.
A possible solution to create understanding for many
When I started testing out the idea for Go Long as being a community to talk about the unique stressors for the sandwich generation, this topic seemed to come up a lot. And it came up because it affected your ability to focus on yourself because of the stress of helping your loved ones as they aged. So with that….
Would you be interested if I found a couple of professionals on these topics to either host an AMA (Ask Me Anything) or post some blog entries? If yes, you can do one of the following:
Respond to the email, if you are a subscriber
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If you’re having trouble managing the stress in your life to make time for yourself, schedule a free call. I can help.
